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Glass Half Full (I promise)

I am not really a glass-half-empty kind of guy.

I know that with all the talk of Jude and Infant Salvation it can sometimes sounds as if I am.

I get that.

But I am not.

While I can, at times, be a bit woe is me, I really do love and enjoy my life.

I get to work from home. I get to home school my kids. I get to hang out with my family all day. We even get to eat most meals together.

Yes, our family life is very Leave It To Beaverish.

So yea, my life is a bit like my nomenclature, Saint Depraved, and a bit duplisatist.

I am most certainly a sinner.

But I am also most certainly a saint.

My life if most certainly full of pain and hurt.

But it is also most certainly full of peace and joy.

And this summer is no different.

This summer has been full of fun, but as I write this I am on a plane headed to Costa Rica for an almost three month business trip.

Jesse and I did our first Boy Scout Summer Camp, over his birthday, and we just celebrated Chloe’s 9th birthday.

Jesse earned four badges and started a 5th.

He earned Outdoor Survival, Cooking, Fishing, and Fly Fishing. Outdoor Survival included a solo camp out with minimal gear, meaning he had to build his own shelter as he could not take a tent or sleeping bag. Both Fishing badges required killing and cooking his first fish!

It was a big week for him!

The summer ends with me on a 3 month business trip to Costa Rica.

Although I will be busy, I do plan to keep working on www.saintdepraved.com and to pick back up www.reelparables.com.

Until then here are some pics of my family.

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Parenthood and the Hope of Heaven

I know that there is a lot I am not supposed to like about Parenthood. (The TV show on NBC, not my relationship with my kids.)

  • Teen/pre marital sex.
  • Adultery.
  • Drinking.
  • Drugs.
  • And little – if any – respect for God and/or religion.

Even so, I love this show. It is one of my favorite TV shows right now.

Why?

Because at its core it has a profound respect for family, fathers, mothers, grandparents, and community.

Until last night most references to religion have been negative and limited to Eastern religious ideas.

But all that changed last night.

Last night Parenthood dealt with death, the afterlife, and hope.

From www.nbc.com/parenthood/:

Joel and Julia sit Sydney down after school to tell her that Amelia, the bird, died. Joel explains that death is what makes the world a beautiful place, because it’s not permanent. When Sydney starts to get sad, Julia tells Sydney that after you die you go to heaven where everyone that you love is waiting for you. Listening to Julia tell Sydney that her grandma, Joel’s mom, who died when she was just a baby, is waiting for them in heaven and with Amelia makes Joel tear up.

When Julia gets home from her girls’ night in with Sarah, she finds Joel in the kitchen, watching Sydney play. Joel admits that he likes thinking about his mom in heaven with that bird.

What this recap does not state is that Joel does not believe in heaven and does not want to teach his daughter Sydney to believe in heaven.

Even so, to spare her daughter of the pain of death – the loss that death brings – Julia uses heaven as the catalyst for hope.

While I may not agree with the shows view of salvation and the afterlife, I do appreciate that Parenthood understand that there is, in some way, hope in the idea of heaven.

More hope coming soon.

As you obviously already know, I don’t own any copy rights to Parenthood. NBC does (I got the pics from www.nbc.com/parenthood/) and I am hoping they view this as free advertisement and don’t sue me.

You can watch some of this season’s Parenthood on www.hulu.com.

If you are interested in past seasons you can:

Saint Depraved Poetry – Thorn

Although it may be cliché, I would suggest that my poetry got “better” as I wrote more honest poetry. After Jude died my poetry is a bit less concealing and certainly more revealing.
Thorn is my wrestling with how my sin may or may not be intertwined with the events surrounding his death.


thorn
is this the thorn in my flesh
is this the thorn in my side
is this the thorn that will hold me back
is this the thorn in my pride
is this the thorn in my side
is this the thorn in my flesh
is this the thorn that will break my back
is this the thorn wound still fresh
is this the thorn in my skin
is this the thorn in my hide
is this the thorn that will hold me down
is this the thorn in my stride
is this the thorn in my hide
is this the thorn in my skin
is this the thorn that will break me down
is this the thorn of my sin


FYI #1 – the lack of punctuation was not meant to be lazy. It was intended to add to the numbness of the feelings.

FYI #2 – I don’t know why/when it happened, but I like duality of thoughts and rhyme in structuring the poem around two complete ideas (flesh/side, then side/flesh, skin/hide, then hide/skin)

A lighter look at hope and something YOU can do.

Testing Hope/Testing Infant Salvation – Hope Part III

I meet with a few other dads bright and early Monday morning. We call it the mob (men of boys).

It is not really bright. That is how early it is.

I know it’s important to me as I am not by nature a morning person. As Ericka is quick to point out, I have even slept for three straight days.

Anyway, after Monday’s mob meeting I was talking to one of the dads and had an epiphany on why I don’t run towards hope.

It was when I was telling this story to William.

Jude was admitted to the hospital on a Thursday and had brain surgery on Monday. The first time I left he hospital after he was admitted was after his surgery Monday to get some food or coffee or something with Ericka.
Sometime after I returned to the hospital one of Jude’s many machines started beeping. I am not a beeping aficionado but it sounded like a bad beep so I ran to get the nurse.
And it was a bad beep.
The beep was telling us that the pressure in Jude’s brain – due to his brain swelling – was starting to be very bad.
The doctors encouraged us to enter act with him to try to calm him.

We sang, we prayed, we talked to him.

We prayed some more, we played Vivaldi (his favorite composer), we sang some more.
Slowly the pressure started to go down.
Once it appeared that Jude was ok I went to sleep. I told the nurse to wake me if something went wrong or if the pressure started to rise again.
However many hours later I woke up on my own.
I woke up hopeful.
No one woke me up, indicating that everything, including the brain pressure issue, was ok.
I quickly found out that he was not ok and that the pressure in his brain was dangerously high.
The readings went down – indicating that the pressure was improving – because one of the tubes got a clog. Once the clog was cleared (shortly after I went to sleep) the pressure shot right back up.
This was the beginning of the end.
The swelling was so severe that the blood was slowly pushed out of his brain.
Sometime later we would learn from the doctors that he was brain dead.
My hope so bright that Tuesday morning soon set with the evening sun.
Since then I don’t tend to run towards hope.
I tend to move very slowing – very deliberately – towards hope.
I also tend to test hope harshly.
That is why I am doing this.
My HOPE is that because Jesus lives Jude lives also.
But simply saying that is not good enough.
That is why I am testing hope.

That is why I am testing infant salvation.

I assume I am not the only one who does not run towards hope.
So, how have you tested hope?

Give Hugs, Not Hope (Hope, Part II)

This short article on grief is a good summary of why I think hugs are sometimes better than hope.
But grieving is important also.
If you rush into offering hope (regardless of how truthful the hope actually is) you run the risk of interfering and/or impeding the grieving process.
In my opinion, hope is not meant to dismiss the grieving process. Instead, hope is meant to guide the grieving process.
So remember, sometimes it is best to give hugs, not hope.

Depeche Mode, Sin, and Infant Salvation

There’s something wrong with me chemically, something wrong with me inherently.
The wrong mix of the wrong genes, I reached the wrong ends by the wrong means.
Depeche Mode (Wrong)

Few musicians, much less pastors, seem to understand the human condition as well as Depeche Mode understands the human condition.
Over the course of their career Depeche Mode has written often about the pull of temptation and the inevitable fall from grace.
To Depeche Mode sin and temptation are real.
They can be real fun:
I give in to sin, because you have to make this life liveable.
Depeche Mode (Strangelove)
But sin and temptation can also be real tragic:
If I could just hide, the sinner inside, and keep him denied.
How sweet life would be, if I could be free, from the sinner in me.
Depeche Mode (The Sinner in Me)
While they may not agree on everything, Depeche Mode and God certainly agree about sin.
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
God (Romans 3:23)
All of us give in to sin.
All of us have something wrong inherently.
None of us can hide the sinner inside or keep him denied.
When it comes to thinking through Infant Salvation it is this idea – the theology of sin – that causes me so much grief and frustration.
Sin, while easy to commit, is not always easy to understand or easy to communicate.
I know this is supposed to be about Infant Salvation, but please let me summarize why I feel that the idea of sin is so frustrating to my understanding of Infant Salvation.
I promise I will try to keep this brief.
A brief summary of a (conservative/orthodox) theology of sin looks like this.

Because Adam sinned everybody sins.
Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all people, because all sinned
Romans 5:12
As it is written,” There is none righteous, not even one.”
Romans 3:10 (Quoting Psalm 14)
There is no one who does good. The LORD has looked down from heaven upon the sons of men to see if there are any who understand, who seek after God. They have all turned aside, together they have become corrupt; There is no one who does good, not even one.
Psalm 14:1-3
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
Romans 3:23


Sin leads to death.
Then God took the man and put him into the Garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it. The God commanded the man, saying, “From any tree of the garden you may eat freely; but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die.”
Genesis 2:15-17
Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all people, because all sinned.
Romans 5:12
For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 6:23
(More on this and how it relates to Jude in a bit.)


Jesus died for our sins and believing in Jesus saves us from our sins.
But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:8
If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation. For the Scripture says, “Whoever believes in Him will not be disappointed.”
For whoever will call on the name of the Lord will be saved.
Romans 10:9-11, 13 (Quoting Joel 2)
And it will come about that whoever calls on the name of the LORD will be delivered;
Joel 2:32
I know there is a lot more to it than that, but I think I hit the high points. And my issue – my frustration – with these high points is this;
Because Jude sinned he needed God’s salvation. Jude was a sinner but had not yet called on the name of the Lord or confessed with his mouth that Jesus is Lord.
This is the core issue driving me to look at Infant Salvation from a theological perspective.
How does Infant Salvation fit into a theology of sin (and salvation)? I don’t yet know, but I hope to answer that question publicly in these posts.
I know this issue can get emotional, but please feel free to comment, to correct me, to disagree, to argue. Please, if you do, keep it civil.
Until next time, which will be sooner than later. I promise.

Running Towards Hope

Heartache is a part of life, we know that now. Ivy is running toward hope, let her run.
August Nicholson (The Village)

Do you ever wonder why you do what you do?

I have been wondering that a lot recently, especially about this blog.

Why did I bother to (re)start this blog and why did I decide to focus on my son’s death?

Why did I bother to commit to writing about infant salvation?

Why bother to publicize my doubts, my search for answers, my hope, my fight with God, etc?

Sure, there is a part of it that is very cathartic, but there is also the part that seems exploitive, overly and unnecessarily transparent, and a bit, well, myopic and egocentric.
Also, while my desire is to help and encourage some, I am bound to offend others.
This post was supposed to be about sin (my sin, Jude’s sin, our sin, etc.) and its role in Jude’s death and my issues with Infant Salvation.
Let’s be honest, talking about sin – and the temporal/eternal results of sin – can be EXTREMELY polarizing and off-putting. That is one reason why I have taken so long to post it. It has been difficult to write, much less to write in a way that is not overly offensive.
Last Friday I realized why I am doing this.
A co-worker friend from the Philippines informed me that he and his wife lost their baby three months into the pregnancy.
He was at work trying to do his job.
His wife was still at the hospital, waiting for the D & C surgery.

I want to point him and his wife in the direction of hope.

But, I don’t tend to run towards hope.
Sometimes I wonder if I even crawl towards hope.
I am doing this so I can honestly and truthfully give him and his wife hope.
I am doing this so I can move towards hope once again.

Someone Else’s Story

This past weekend was spent camping at Lake Mineral Wells State Park.


I was busy, but I was not busy writing.


I was busy hiking, fishing, canoeing, rock climbing and rappelling.


(Yes, it was a very Wild at Heart/John Eldredge kind of weekend.)


Since I am not finished with my next section (it is starting to get a bit serious) here is a link to a high profile response to a high profile loss.


http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2010/septemberweb-only/47-41.0.html


For those that don’t know of him, Steven Curtis Chapman is a fairly famous and successful “Christian Musician” who lost his 5 year old daughter in 2008.


His wife, Mary Beth, wrote a book about it.


Full Disclosure; I have not yet read Choosing to SEE: A Journey of Struggle and Hope.


On the third page of this interview, while discussing the book’s cover, she talks about (at least in part) what brought her and Steven hope; a drawing that her daughter drew.


While the discussion is indeed emotional and sentimental, it is just that, emotional and sentimental. This interview (again, I can not yet speak intelligently about the book) seems to keep “hope” in the emotional/sentimental ghetto.


What about those of us who don’t have that picture?


I truly appreciate the openness and honesty in which she talks about her struggle (fight?) with God, but I wish the hope she gives was based on more than emotion and sentiment.

Until next time.

Chad’s Letter (Hope Part II)

[Here is the note I sent to Chad, an old college friend who recently found out that his daughter has cancer. I wish it was more eloquent, but it is what it is.

Full Disclosure – I did remove a line or two about how others did handle or are handling Jude’s death. I intend to be completely open and honest with my story, but their story is not for me to tell.]

Chad,
First, I am so sorry to hear the news about your daughter’s cancer.

I will be praying for her, for you, and for your family.


Ericka and I have traveled this road with our middle child, Jude.


Our road was short and the story did not end the way any of us wanted it to. He survived the surgery to remove the brain cancer, but he did not survive the results of that surgery. It has been the hardest thing our family has gone through.

We have always said that it did not shatter our faith, but it did, at times, shake it up a bit.


I know a lot of people will tell you it will be ok, it will be alright, that God will heal her, etc.


And He may.


But He may not.


Cherish the time you have with Kristina. My heartfelt father’s prayer is that you will have her whole LONG life to enjoy with her.

But drink it in now as much as you can.
Our story was “tragic” in the sense that everyone expected God to heal Jude. The ironic thing is that He did. Jude is now with his creator. It was simply not the ending to the story that we all wanted and prayed for.


I do not want to “bring you down,” I just want to encourage you to be honest with her and your family and enjoy today.


God is good.


But He is not always good in the way we want Him to be good.


If you are not already familiar with Matt Chandler, a pastor at the Village Church here in the DFW area, check him out. He talks of suffering often and is currently dealing with brain cancer himself.


He is very open, very honest, but also very encouraging.


His blog is:
http://fm.thevillagechurch.net/blog/pastors/


If nothing else, watch this message that he gave at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Fort Worth. It deals with suffering and God’s provision and God’s providence.


It was, in an odd way, very encouraging to me.


http://www.sbts.edu/resources/chapel/chapel-fall-2009/hebrews-11/


I am praying for you and your family.
May the God who gave Kristina life heal her, comfort you all during this time and give you a peace that truly does pass your understanding.


God is good. Always.


Simon
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