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Glass Half Full (I promise)

I am not really a glass-half-empty kind of guy.

I know that with all the talk of Jude and Infant Salvation it can sometimes sounds as if I am.

I get that.

But I am not.

While I can, at times, be a bit woe is me, I really do love and enjoy my life.

I get to work from home. I get to home school my kids. I get to hang out with my family all day. We even get to eat most meals together.

Yes, our family life is very Leave It To Beaverish.

So yea, my life is a bit like my nomenclature, Saint Depraved, and a bit duplisatist.

I am most certainly a sinner.

But I am also most certainly a saint.

My life if most certainly full of pain and hurt.

But it is also most certainly full of peace and joy.

And this summer is no different.

This summer has been full of fun, but as I write this I am on a plane headed to Costa Rica for an almost three month business trip.

Jesse and I did our first Boy Scout Summer Camp, over his birthday, and we just celebrated Chloe’s 9th birthday.

Jesse earned four badges and started a 5th.

He earned Outdoor Survival, Cooking, Fishing, and Fly Fishing. Outdoor Survival included a solo camp out with minimal gear, meaning he had to build his own shelter as he could not take a tent or sleeping bag. Both Fishing badges required killing and cooking his first fish!

It was a big week for him!

The summer ends with me on a 3 month business trip to Costa Rica.

Although I will be busy, I do plan to keep working on www.saintdepraved.com and to pick back up www.reelparables.com.

Until then here are some pics of my family.

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I Miss My Son

 

February 11, 1999 – April 12, 2001

JUDE LEONARD SMITH came into this world on February 11, 1999 while listening to Vivaldi’s Four Seasons.

His life was a symphony of laughter and joy every day thereafter and he was the composer of some of our finest memories.

He was listening again to Vivaldi as he went to be with our Lord at 2:20 pm Thursday, April 12, 2001.

He will be sorely missed by all who had the privilege to know him, but most especially by his best friends, his family:

parents Simon and Ericka (both of whom he affectionately called “Mommy”),

older brother Job (“DOE!”),

only sister Abigail (“Thithy”),

and younger brother Jesse (“Thethie”).

We miss you, Judey-patooty! And we love you, precious boy!

Happy Birthday Jude

Saint Depraved Poetry – Thorn

Although it may be cliché, I would suggest that my poetry got “better” as I wrote more honest poetry. After Jude died my poetry is a bit less concealing and certainly more revealing.
Thorn is my wrestling with how my sin may or may not be intertwined with the events surrounding his death.


thorn
is this the thorn in my flesh
is this the thorn in my side
is this the thorn that will hold me back
is this the thorn in my pride
is this the thorn in my side
is this the thorn in my flesh
is this the thorn that will break my back
is this the thorn wound still fresh
is this the thorn in my skin
is this the thorn in my hide
is this the thorn that will hold me down
is this the thorn in my stride
is this the thorn in my hide
is this the thorn in my skin
is this the thorn that will break me down
is this the thorn of my sin


FYI #1 – the lack of punctuation was not meant to be lazy. It was intended to add to the numbness of the feelings.

FYI #2 – I don’t know why/when it happened, but I like duality of thoughts and rhyme in structuring the poem around two complete ideas (flesh/side, then side/flesh, skin/hide, then hide/skin)

Happy Holidays and Jude’s Picture

The proverbial fan that is my life is pretty messy at the moment.

So much so that I have yet to reply to my best guy friend from High School who recently asked, “How’s it going.” I just don’t want to be the guy that always has bad stuff to say.

Although most of what is going on affects me, it is not my story to tell. Meaning, I will not be talking about it here any time soon.

I did want to make two quick comments before the holidays.

First, I DO believe in infant salvation.

This is simply me trying to work out a “biblical” view of how to defend it. Just because I think it is VERY hard to defend does not mean I don’t believe it or that it is not work defending.

God is good, OF COURSE it’s true, etc., is not enough for me.

That is why I am working this out publicly. If it’s not enough for me then maybe it is not enough for someone else.

Secondly, if that someone else is you please know that we will be back in the New Year.

Until then I am going to share a bit of my (mostly old but some new) poetry.

Happy (belated) Hanukah.

Merry Christmas.

Happy New Year.

Happy Holidays.

A lighter look at hope and something YOU can do.

Testing Hope/Testing Infant Salvation – Hope Part III

I meet with a few other dads bright and early Monday morning. We call it the mob (men of boys).

It is not really bright. That is how early it is.

I know it’s important to me as I am not by nature a morning person. As Ericka is quick to point out, I have even slept for three straight days.

Anyway, after Monday’s mob meeting I was talking to one of the dads and had an epiphany on why I don’t run towards hope.

It was when I was telling this story to William.

Jude was admitted to the hospital on a Thursday and had brain surgery on Monday. The first time I left he hospital after he was admitted was after his surgery Monday to get some food or coffee or something with Ericka.
Sometime after I returned to the hospital one of Jude’s many machines started beeping. I am not a beeping aficionado but it sounded like a bad beep so I ran to get the nurse.
And it was a bad beep.
The beep was telling us that the pressure in Jude’s brain – due to his brain swelling – was starting to be very bad.
The doctors encouraged us to enter act with him to try to calm him.

We sang, we prayed, we talked to him.

We prayed some more, we played Vivaldi (his favorite composer), we sang some more.
Slowly the pressure started to go down.
Once it appeared that Jude was ok I went to sleep. I told the nurse to wake me if something went wrong or if the pressure started to rise again.
However many hours later I woke up on my own.
I woke up hopeful.
No one woke me up, indicating that everything, including the brain pressure issue, was ok.
I quickly found out that he was not ok and that the pressure in his brain was dangerously high.
The readings went down – indicating that the pressure was improving – because one of the tubes got a clog. Once the clog was cleared (shortly after I went to sleep) the pressure shot right back up.
This was the beginning of the end.
The swelling was so severe that the blood was slowly pushed out of his brain.
Sometime later we would learn from the doctors that he was brain dead.
My hope so bright that Tuesday morning soon set with the evening sun.
Since then I don’t tend to run towards hope.
I tend to move very slowing – very deliberately – towards hope.
I also tend to test hope harshly.
That is why I am doing this.
My HOPE is that because Jesus lives Jude lives also.
But simply saying that is not good enough.
That is why I am testing hope.

That is why I am testing infant salvation.

I assume I am not the only one who does not run towards hope.
So, how have you tested hope?

Give Hugs, Not Hope (Hope, Part II)

This short article on grief is a good summary of why I think hugs are sometimes better than hope.
But grieving is important also.
If you rush into offering hope (regardless of how truthful the hope actually is) you run the risk of interfering and/or impeding the grieving process.
In my opinion, hope is not meant to dismiss the grieving process. Instead, hope is meant to guide the grieving process.
So remember, sometimes it is best to give hugs, not hope.

Depeche Mode, Sin, and Infant Salvation

There’s something wrong with me chemically, something wrong with me inherently.
The wrong mix of the wrong genes, I reached the wrong ends by the wrong means.
Depeche Mode (Wrong)

Few musicians, much less pastors, seem to understand the human condition as well as Depeche Mode understands the human condition.
Over the course of their career Depeche Mode has written often about the pull of temptation and the inevitable fall from grace.
To Depeche Mode sin and temptation are real.
They can be real fun:
I give in to sin, because you have to make this life liveable.
Depeche Mode (Strangelove)
But sin and temptation can also be real tragic:
If I could just hide, the sinner inside, and keep him denied.
How sweet life would be, if I could be free, from the sinner in me.
Depeche Mode (The Sinner in Me)
While they may not agree on everything, Depeche Mode and God certainly agree about sin.
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
God (Romans 3:23)
All of us give in to sin.
All of us have something wrong inherently.
None of us can hide the sinner inside or keep him denied.
When it comes to thinking through Infant Salvation it is this idea – the theology of sin – that causes me so much grief and frustration.
Sin, while easy to commit, is not always easy to understand or easy to communicate.
I know this is supposed to be about Infant Salvation, but please let me summarize why I feel that the idea of sin is so frustrating to my understanding of Infant Salvation.
I promise I will try to keep this brief.
A brief summary of a (conservative/orthodox) theology of sin looks like this.

Because Adam sinned everybody sins.
Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all people, because all sinned
Romans 5:12
As it is written,” There is none righteous, not even one.”
Romans 3:10 (Quoting Psalm 14)
There is no one who does good. The LORD has looked down from heaven upon the sons of men to see if there are any who understand, who seek after God. They have all turned aside, together they have become corrupt; There is no one who does good, not even one.
Psalm 14:1-3
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
Romans 3:23


Sin leads to death.
Then God took the man and put him into the Garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it. The God commanded the man, saying, “From any tree of the garden you may eat freely; but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die.”
Genesis 2:15-17
Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all people, because all sinned.
Romans 5:12
For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 6:23
(More on this and how it relates to Jude in a bit.)


Jesus died for our sins and believing in Jesus saves us from our sins.
But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:8
If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation. For the Scripture says, “Whoever believes in Him will not be disappointed.”
For whoever will call on the name of the Lord will be saved.
Romans 10:9-11, 13 (Quoting Joel 2)
And it will come about that whoever calls on the name of the LORD will be delivered;
Joel 2:32
I know there is a lot more to it than that, but I think I hit the high points. And my issue – my frustration – with these high points is this;
Because Jude sinned he needed God’s salvation. Jude was a sinner but had not yet called on the name of the Lord or confessed with his mouth that Jesus is Lord.
This is the core issue driving me to look at Infant Salvation from a theological perspective.
How does Infant Salvation fit into a theology of sin (and salvation)? I don’t yet know, but I hope to answer that question publicly in these posts.
I know this issue can get emotional, but please feel free to comment, to correct me, to disagree, to argue. Please, if you do, keep it civil.
Until next time, which will be sooner than later. I promise.

Running Towards Hope

Heartache is a part of life, we know that now. Ivy is running toward hope, let her run.
August Nicholson (The Village)

Do you ever wonder why you do what you do?

I have been wondering that a lot recently, especially about this blog.

Why did I bother to (re)start this blog and why did I decide to focus on my son’s death?

Why did I bother to commit to writing about infant salvation?

Why bother to publicize my doubts, my search for answers, my hope, my fight with God, etc?

Sure, there is a part of it that is very cathartic, but there is also the part that seems exploitive, overly and unnecessarily transparent, and a bit, well, myopic and egocentric.
Also, while my desire is to help and encourage some, I am bound to offend others.
This post was supposed to be about sin (my sin, Jude’s sin, our sin, etc.) and its role in Jude’s death and my issues with Infant Salvation.
Let’s be honest, talking about sin – and the temporal/eternal results of sin – can be EXTREMELY polarizing and off-putting. That is one reason why I have taken so long to post it. It has been difficult to write, much less to write in a way that is not overly offensive.
Last Friday I realized why I am doing this.
A co-worker friend from the Philippines informed me that he and his wife lost their baby three months into the pregnancy.
He was at work trying to do his job.
His wife was still at the hospital, waiting for the D & C surgery.

I want to point him and his wife in the direction of hope.

But, I don’t tend to run towards hope.
Sometimes I wonder if I even crawl towards hope.
I am doing this so I can honestly and truthfully give him and his wife hope.
I am doing this so I can move towards hope once again.
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