Heartbroken yet Hopeful

I get Gideon, because like Gideon, I don’t always get God.

God called Gideon a “valiant warrior,” but he was afraid to obey.

God calls me a son and a saint. But far too often I play the parts of a slacker and of a sinner.

The Angel of the Lord said, “The Lord is with you.” Gideon said, “If the Lord is with us.”

I tend to do the same.

“IF God is good and IF He causes all things to work together for good…”

And I too question God’s goodness.

Gideon said, “O my lord, if the Lord is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all His miracles which our fathers told us about.”

Shortly after my son’s death, I wrote this to God:

Tonight’s the night I ask the questions.
Tonight’s the night I question why.
Where were you when my son was sleeping?
Where were you the day he died?
Where were you when all were praying?
Where were you when I couldn’t sleep?
Where were you when my heart was racing?
Were you out saving other sheep?

It is I who darkens counsel.
It is I who wants to see.
So where are you when my faith is failing?
Where are you when I can’t believe?

Like Gideon, I wanted to see the miracles.

But I did not.

Instead of miracles, I received a tiny casket and a fresh grave.

And like Gideon and so many others who came before, I fight and argue with God.

But just like with them, He does not seem to mind. After all,

God is close to and heals the brokenhearted; He saves those of us who are crushed in spirit, And He binds up our wounds.

Psalm 34:18, 147:3

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